Military Humor and other Jokes
Over the years we tend to forget about all the interesting things in "every day life!". Refresh those old memory chips and read on ...
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Tony, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the f--- away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . . .
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No baseball
No football
No hockey
No golf
No tailgate parties
No Wal-Mart
No Home Depot
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No gumbo
No jambalaya
No Beer
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
Is there a mystery here?
A great bumper sticker:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier.
A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was "The Best." The arguing became so heated the four service men failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly. Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, "Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?" Saint Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven." Some time later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. The four servicemen asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen: MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY ONE TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best 1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble. 2. Each serves America well and with distinction. 3. Serving in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man. 4. Always be proud of that. Warm regards, GOD, USAF (Retired)
A Real Fighter Pilot
A fighter pilot sat down at the "O" Club bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him and turned to the man in the flight suit and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying jets, deploying overseas, going to fighter and weapons schools, dodging SAMs, jinking through dog fights, wearing big watches, and strapping into T-38's, F4's, F-16s, F-15s and performing Air Combat Maneuvers, shooting down airplanes, bombing the enemy, so, you bet, IÕm a fighter pilot and a damn good one."
The pilot asked the women, Òwhat do you do?Ó and she said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the pilot and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
A NEW PLAN FOR AMERICA
1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. We will promise never to "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. Instead, we will station these troops at all of OUR borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence to get in.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 day visits unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it where you live, change it yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not EVER be available to ANYONE. We don't need any more cab drivers.
5) No international "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If our international students don't attend classes, they get an "F" and it's back home, baby. End of discussion.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else.
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them gets "lost" or is taken by their army. The people who need it most get very little, anyway.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't need spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. 9b) Use the UN's buildings as replacement for the twin towers.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.
Now, ain't that a winner of a plan?
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"
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The Chief of Chaplains dies and goes to Heaven. He is waiting in a long line to be processed through the Pearly Gates. Not wanting to wait in line, he approaches Saint Peter and explains that he was Chief of Chaplains for many years and feels he should be given priority entrance. Saint Peter simply tells him to get back in line and await his turn.
As the Chaplain is again standing in line, muttering to himself, he hears the click sound of shoe taps approaching from behind him. He turns around and immediately sees a very shiny pair of shoes, above which is an MTI, wearing a crisp uniform; badges perfect, shave perfect, hair perfect, campaign hat tilted just right, standing tall and proud. The Chaplain tells the MTI that the line is long and moving very slowly so he too will just have to wait his turn to get through the Pearly Gates.
The MTI responds that he is in a hurry and can't wait that long. With that said, the MTI approaches the Pearly Gates; talks with Saint Peter and proceeds through the gates. The Chaplain is beside himself; very upset that a mere enlisted man would be allowed in before him. He approaches Saint Peter again and demands to know WHY an MTI was allowed to proceed through the gate before all the other people in line.
Saint Peters' Response: "That was not a Military Training Instructor. That was GOD. He just THINKS he's an MTI".
An Airman is standing in a latrine taking a leak and in walks a brand new 2nd Lt who walks up to the stall next to the Airman and starts taking a leak too. The Airman gets done and zips up and heads for the door. The Lt promptly stops his business, turns to the Airman and says "Airman, when I went to the Air Force Academy they taught us to wash our hands after we use the latrine", the Airman looks over at the Lt and promptly replies "Sir, when I went to Basic Training, my TI taught me not to piss on my hands!"
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French
Army Knife
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During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is.
"Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir". "Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir, "the airman replied, ... "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. ... If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
Officer: Airman, do you have change for a dollar? Airman: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Officer: Do you have change for a dollar? Airman: No, SIR.
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said, "Those are deer tracks." The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks. "The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, the barbers were reaching for some after shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
